TOP DRAWER SATIRE

The Financial Volcano
by
HL Carpenter

A Financial volcano that initially erupted in 2007 spewed more ash into the economic atmosphere this week. The fallout, known as "Goldman Hubris", disrupted the comeback tour of Stock Market, a rock band whose popularity has been on the rise.

"How could this happen?" asks a bewildered Stock Market fan. "Who monitors these things?"

That task falls to the Volcanic Oversight Board, an international consortium of hot air experts. After years of study, the Board has yet to officially explain the exact cause of the original blast, a spectacular discharge that resulted in a worldwide ash fall, a slowdown in capital flows, housing debris avalanches, and devastating fiscal landslides. However, Lava Flow, a Board spokesperson, says the latest venting of potentially poisonous particulate matter was completely unexpected and that no one could have seen it coming.

Vulcanologists are less certain, arguing the Board overlooked key indicators, such as the size of the Financial volcano, which they label as "too big to fail to explode". They're convinced the current upheaval is due to poor volcanic governance, and they want the Board to appoint a Volcano czar who will be accountable for preventing future meltdowns.

Mr. Flow disagrees with the need for anyone to take responsibility. He says what's really required is an overhaul of the underlying volcanic system.

"We have to start regulating and taxing volcanoes," he says. "Otherwise we're doomed to repeat this crisis."

Originally published April 2010.