TOP DRAWER SATIRE

The End of August
by
HL Carpenter

Do you feel like you missed August? That the summer went straight from July 4 to Labor Day with scarcely a pause?

If so, you have the US government to thank. In yet another effort to go green and reduce America's dependence on foreign energy, the government sold the month of August to the highest bidder.

"No one actually likes August," says Hotten Muggy, government spokesperson, in response to questions about the suddenly missing month. "Selling it was a fiscally prudent move."

Energy efficiency experts agree, and say getting rid of August is a win/win. In addition to using the money from the sale to reduce the federal budget deficit, the US will save trillions of dollars in power consumption. August is traditionally one of the hottest months of the year in the Northern hemisphere, and selling it off will result in a 42.5% reduction in energy costs.

As an added benefit, those lower utility bills could help boost the struggling US economy, because consumers will have more money available to spend. Government economists say job growth will pick up, too, since software, calendar and other date-responsive companies will need to hire workers to update products.

Critics say the initiative was poorly thought out and hastily implemented, with little opportunity for public input. They say studies should have been done to determine the effect on the migration patterns of birds and other creatures, including millions of school children who will now have to return to classrooms early.

Mr. Muggy is unmoved. "August is history," he says. "We're thinking of selling January next."

Originally published September 2011.