TOP DRAWER SATIRE

Exercises in Futility
by
HL Carpenter

While the country's financial future remains in limbo, US politicians have reached rare bi-partisan agreement on another pressing issue: Establishing a national program of exercises in futility.

Acting with rare accord, both the Senate and the House passed the motion unanimously. It will arrive on the president's desk for signature on Monday.

"This initiative will have no effect on the outcome of anything," says Bee Feckless, a spokesperson for the government. "We just want to make it clear we support getting everyone worked up."

According to the governmental press release, the new program will promote hand wringing, an exercise that involves repeated clenching of the fingers to strengthen worry muscles. It's one of several sweat-inducing activities any concerned citizen can perform without the need for specialized knowledge or equipment. Other congressionally backed exercises in futility include riding waves of fear and free style dickering, a form of partisan fighting that consists of throwing sharp jabs at unarmed opponents.

Fitness experts question the value of the program, calling the exercises a distraction from more useful activities such as intense training in fact weighing and core stability workouts.

Ms. Feckless disagrees. She believes the initiative will prove effective, saying the government intends to issue formal guidelines, complete with a list of procedures that can be adapted for individual bouts of futile fretting, or group sessions of fussing and fuming.

The ultimate goal: Making sure Americans bulk up on enough futility to endure the Presidential Campaign Marathon that kicked off earlier this week.

Originally published April 2011.