TOP DRAWER SATIRE

The Outlook for Insult
by
HL Carpenter

Despite the drought, flood and fires consuming much of America's farmland this summer, the outlook for the nation's Insult crop is excellent.

"The current climate is ideal for Insult," says Taunting Hekler, spokesperson for In Dignity, a coalition of Insult producers. "We anticipate unprecedented output in the US."

While a recent debate by presidential candidates raised fears of the possibility of a disappointing Insult harvest, the latest report issued by the US Association of Dumb Politicians projects good-to-excellent conditions for Insult growth over the coming months. Mr. Hekler agrees, adding that Insult will benefit from a favorable political atmosphere through the end of 2012.

Insult, a scrappy vituperative crop, proliferates like a weed, in endless variations. All types originate from the same seeds, though each region of the country tends to prefer its own variety. Fortunately, local appetite for Insult is strong, with the annual yield of original Insult per American barely keeping pace with demand.

Mr. Hekler expects US producers to sow 240 quintillion tons of Insult this year, a five-fold increase from 2010. "There's a perennial need for Insult," he says. "You can never put down enough."

Originally published June 2011.