TOP DRAWER SATIRE

The Value of Pretentiousness
by
HL Carpenter

The value of Pretentiousness Inc. deflated yesterday, as regulators began an investigation into exaggerated claims about the company's worth. Pretentiousness, a manufacturer of put-on airs, says the allegations are nothing more than puffed up hype initiated by less stellar detractors.

"We're more valuable than we've ever been," sniffs So Hoity-Toity, company spokesperson. "Anyone who fails to appreciate the brilliance of Pretentiousness needs to get over themselves."

Regulators say Pretentiousness has never been as outstanding as the image the company goes to great lengths to project. As proof, they point to a history of extravagant assertions, all of which have been far more rosy than reality warrants. They're convinced an investigation will bring to light a troubling pattern of overstated importance pervasive throughout the culture of Pretentiousness and encouraged by the company's founder, Delusions O'Grandeur.

"Pretentiousness needs to undergo a fundamental change in attitude," says Brashly Hoyden, a senior regulator. "Company executives cannot continue to make unsubstantiated statements designed to mask deep seated insecurities."

Ms. Hoity-Toity insists Pretentiousness has no intention of abandoning core beliefs.

"We know we're more worthy than everyone else," she says. "That's the essence of Pretentiousness."

Originally published December 2011.