TOP DRAWER SATIRE

Losing Relevance
by
HL Carpenter

At one point in history, the US controlled the world's largest supply of Relevance. Today, scientists say the country is losing this valuable commodity at an alarming rate.

"We're squandering our Relevance," says Ecks Strayneous, a leading researcher of consequences. "We have to start managing this resource more intelligently."

One way to do that: Create a Reservoir of Relevance, much like the Strategic Oil Reserve, which is a cache of millions of gallons of crude oil salted away in underground caverns. In a far less expensive solution, Ms. Strayneous wants to see Relevance stored in the hearts and minds of Americans. She envisions millions of volunteers protecting, preserving and maintaining the country's Relevance far into the future.

The problem? It's difficult to raise interest in something most people take for granted. Because America has enjoyed a surplus of Relevance for years, many believe that happy state of affairs will continue with little or no effort.

Ms. Strayneous is less starry-eyed. "Once you lose your Relevance," she says, "you can never get it back."

Originally published March 2011.