TOP DRAWER SATIRE

Lifting America's Spirits
by
HL Carpenter

Are you up to a challenge? The Lack of Leadership Coalition, a non-profit sporting promoter, is sponsoring an endurance event. The task: Lifting America's spirits.

If you're interested in participating, you may have to put in a few extra workouts. Sagging spirits tend to be heavy, according to Lack of Leadership. The coalition says the spirit-lifting event will require an elite competitor, one with enough strength, stamina and support to complete a grueling contest that may last a year or more. During that time, contestants must maintain peak attitude while enduring wild bouts of public derision and second-guessing.

Still think you've got what it takes? Consider this: The press release for the event describes the ideal contender as someone who possesses excellent vision for seeing the future, as well as exemplary hearing, a necessity for listening to the murmurs of the masses. Other qualifications include a thick skin, the ability to execute a powerful verbal counterpunch, and a talent for nimble footwork and sound on-the-fly thinking.

The winner of the contest will take home a besmirched reputation, a tattered ego, and the presidency of the United States. The Lack of Leadership Coalition reserves the right to withhold the grand prize if no one's performance matches the expectations of the contest's three hundred million judges.

Second-place finishers and other losers will be given a one-way ticket to Obscurity, a ghost town in the footnotes of History.

Originally published October 2011.