TOP DRAWER SATIRE

Manufacturing Tension and Crisis
by
HL Carpenter

No matter whether you prefer your daily dose of tension and crisis to be home-grown or imported, you may be surprised to learn how unregulated the industry is.

"There's very little oversight of tension and crisis manufacturing," admits Itsa Disasta, spokesperson for Big Trouble, the industry trade group. "We make up the rules as we go along."

Tension and crisis are human stressors produced in mass quantities by global news agencies, and are available world-wide. Taken together, the two products induce an adrenaline-soaked, edge-of-the-seat, nail-biting response in consumers that can cause addiction as well as spikes in news ratings.

According to experts, the best tension and crisis is produced by experienced catastrophizers who innovatively combine the right ingredients under controlled conditions.

Yet despite heavy government presence in the marketplace, some products incorporate raw material of poor quality. Even the best brands contain artificial excitement, which causes hyperventilation in both sellers and buyers. Others are full of tainted ingredients that threaten clear thinking. Worse, since tension and crisis is perishable, consumers risk getting worked up over products that have outlived a limited shelf life.

Concerned citizens are pushing for increased regulation and standards to improve product safety. They'd like to see rigorous testing, along with restrictions on imported raw materials and finished goods, such as the large shipment sent from Japan this week.

Ms. Disasta finds the idea of regulation scary. She contends the current system is very effective, and says everyone involved already has a stake in making sure no good tension and crisis goes to waste.

Originally published March 2011.