TOP DRAWER SATIRE
Economic Gains
by
HL Carpenter
Three years after Economic Gains was mugged at a housewarming party gone wild, investigators say they are no closer to understanding what happened in the moments before someone burst a bubble over his head.
"We're not sure who attacked Mr. Gains," says Misty Fied, lead detective in the case. "We tracked several suspects as far as Wall Street before we lost the trail."
Mr. Gains was badly injured by shards from the exploding bubble, and is still struggling to recover. He wobbles when he walks, and he's not up to sustained activity. Though his doctors believe his health is improving, he remains under medical supervision and is far from his former robust self.
People who know Mr. Gains think he'll stay on sick leave indefinitely. Some fear he may never return to full strength. All express frustration at the lack of progress by authorities, both in finding the perpetrator and in helping Mr. Gains get back on his feet.
Mr. Gains remembers nothing of the assault. "I was having a good time," he says. "I had no idea I was in danger."
Originally published January 2012.
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HL Carpenter, an experienced investor and a CPA, specializes in reader friendly financial and tax topics for individuals and small businesses, and publishes Top Drawer Ink, a newsletter that's chock full of humor and common sense information.
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Last update: January 21, 2012
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