Guest Post by Dennis Fried
When our little papillon dog, Genevieve, was one-year-old, we had a catered birthday for her at a local dog bakery. (That is my definition of “conspicuous consumption.”) Lots of Genevieve’s relatives attended (mother, father, litter mates, cousins, etc.), as well as the humans who owned them. There were games for the pups, such as bobbing for cookies, and Find the Treats. Genevieve’s birthday cake was a tremendous hit: spice cake with liver icing!
As part of our thank-you note to the guests, Genevieve barktated her observations about her party to me and I translated them from Doggerel into English. My wife, Katrina, also posted Genevieve’s comments to some doggy newsgroups that she frequented on the internet. We got several emails from people who thought Genevieve was very funny and looked forward to more of her stories. I was working at a computer company at the time, but occasionally found the time to translate more of Genevieve stories.
You see, Genevieve is a canine genius with a very low opinion of human intelligence. One time Genevieve insisted that, “The dumbest woman is smarter than the smartest man.” At that point I wanted to quit as her translator, but her lawyer was a German shepherd and they had me on contract.
Each time we posted another Genevieve story, we got more and more emails, until finally, on the same day, two people asked if the stories were from a book, because if so they wanted to buy it. The light-bulb came on! I quit my computer job to write the book and self-publish it, which took a year. We got a lot of media attention (TV, radio, magazines, etc., locally, regionally and nationally) and the book has so far sold over 25,000 copies.
Here’s a peek at Genevieve’s memor, as barktated to Dennis Fried.
Want to know what your dog really thinks of you? In this hilarious diary, Genevieve, a two-year-old papillon, takes you into the inner sanctum of dogdom, revealing canine secrets never before shared with humans. Genevieve sinks her teeth into such topics as driving tips for dogs, the tragedy of doorbells in TV commercials, measuring the intelligence of humans, finding a reason for cats, how prehistoric dogs saved the caveman’s bacon, converting your house into an agility course, and productive kitchen behavior.
IMPORTANT – read this book before your dog does!
When Denny and Katrina first brought me home, I wanted no part of riding in a car. I didn’t care what anybody said – I wasn’t about to trust a room that moved. And once you got out on the highway, you had to contend with all those other moving rooms with people and dogs trapped in them. They were probably just minding their own business, watching television or eating dinner, when all of a sudden the room took off. I couldn’t figure out why they all weren’t screaming right along with me.
But soon I began to realize that the car was the only room in the whole house that would move like that, and it seemed to do it only when Katrina or Denny sat in it and poked around for a few seconds. I started to get used to riding in the car, and then I grew to love it.
Many of my doggy friends hate riding in cars, just as I did. I hope that a few tips can turn automobile travel into a pure joy.
The key to an enjoyable car ride resides in a few basics.
It is crucial that you sit in the driver’s lap at all times. To insure that this happens, as soon as the car door is opened, jump onto the driver’s seat and lie down. The driver will not be able to get in until he bends over and picks you up, and then the easiest thing for him to do is to sit down and put you on his lap. Other passengers may try to get you to sit in their laps, but pay no attention to them. As mere passengers they have no status. You are the only other soul in the car that can share the prestige of the driver’s seat, so take full advantage of it.
Learning to recognize the sound of the blinker is an important element in riding in a car. When you hear that sound, it means that your driver needs your help in turning the steering wheel. Stand up with your back legs planted firmly in the driver’s lap, and put your front paws over the top of the steering wheel. Learn how to shuffle your paws over the top of the wheel as it turns to keep from losing your balance. In this position you may very well block your driver’s view of the road, so it is very important that you add just the right amount of steering input to help point the car in the right direction. It’s also great fun to see the people’s faces in the cars that are approaching you in the opposite lane!
Whenever your driver stops the car and opens the window to talk to someone, you must act as if you want to kill that person. The reason is that in most cases he or she is about to take money from your owner, money that could have been spent on you. It is very important that you indicate in no uncertain terms just how mad this makes you, so that it won’t happen again.
The one exception to this rule is when stopping at a drive-in bank window. This is for two reasons. One is that your owner may actually be getting money to spend on you, so let the bank humans do their job. Second, if you act like a sweet dog the bank human will often send out a biscuit for you. Because of this, do not let your owner bank by mail or use ATMs, because this way of doing business is totally unfair to dogs.
Book Buy Link: Amazon
About the author
Dr. Dennis Fried has been laughed out of numerous careers, including stand-up comedy. He has advanced degrees in physics and philosophy, all of which have gone totally to waste. He is extremely lazy, and if it weren’t for his author-dog, Genevieve, he probably wouldn’t get out of bed until suppertime.